MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.