Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”
Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.
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*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[creating a sloth]
God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.
Lmao the reply
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place