Then a guy with a rope necklace and flat brimmed hat came in and everyone felt better about their own problems.

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Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”


*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*


AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen


[creating a sloth]

God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink


Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.


Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.


How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768


me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope


my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place