Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
so i’m at the stock market right
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.