Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Doctors texting each other.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance