Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass


My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.


I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.


Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?


*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*


SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]


To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.


*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf