@david8hughes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

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@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@PowKapowBoom

My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I’m really pissed that I didn’t think of that first.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

@elunatyk

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

@tastefactory

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

@flashember

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

@iGreenGod

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

@TheAlexNevil

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf