If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
me after eating Cheetos
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s