@Marlebean

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

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@Darlainky

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

@simoncholland

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

@pittdave13

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@jellybnbonanza

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@Spaziotwat

*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”

@FloodyHippie

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”