Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.