@Marlebean

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

You Might Also Like

@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@mom_ontherocks

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@Mr_Kapowski

[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.