Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.


My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.


*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.


For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.


Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.


FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-



doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i