Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”