When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Giving away valuable art secrets.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.