Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now