“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

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ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”


The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.


Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?


Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.


Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group


I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.


Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.


Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.