“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

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Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Me: Okay
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*


Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.


[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one


Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.


*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?


To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.


*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”


[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.