@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

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@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@WheelTod

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

@EZSherlock

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

@SveldtSmelt

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

@uccjeb

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

@CVTBaby

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.