“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
meanwhile over on facebook
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
a public service announcement
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet