THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
taking June’s advice to heart
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible