a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?