Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.
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Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
German cartoonist Martin Perscheid
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Ex: Holy skinny jeans!
Me: They are new. Like them?
Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?
Divorce Reason 509