DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
doctor: oh right