Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.

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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”


Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.


5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.


I’m not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn’t seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.


Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.


ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.


We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears


it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first


Ex: Holy skinny jeans!

Me: They are new. Like them?

Ex: Sure…

Me: What?

Ex: Should a woman your age wear those?

Divorce Reason 509