Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
yeah 😭
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.