“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
You Might Also Like
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.