Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
me and my fake scenarios
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.