Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?