Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.