“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
You Might Also Like
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires