@TheToddWilliams

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

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@mrjohndarby

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

@JosesLovesYou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@Bagyants

Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@FancyNancyAnn

I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@VodkaThursday

What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@winosaurusmom

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

@Marlebean

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage