THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game


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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry


Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.


Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about


Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*


I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.


This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*


What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.


Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.


I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage