therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
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them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.