If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[Dumbo meeting, 1941]
WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26
Error 609: When your kid sleeps in between.