Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.