Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
New Tinder profile.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call