@FAETREY

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no

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@zachreinert03

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@SirEviscerate

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

@HomeProbably

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@AllyBallyBeal

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@LeahTiscione

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever