Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add book to cart
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing
[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever