therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no

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oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?


Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.


Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”


Because these maps have been anxiety inducing, here’s one of where it’s legal to own a kangaroo.


I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.