@FAETREY

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add book to cart

therapist: no

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@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@Underchilde

Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.

@Be___Dope

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

@jergarl

89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@MarisaMendez

Because these maps have been anxiety inducing, here’s one of where it’s legal to own a kangaroo.

@HenpeckedHal

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.