@FAETREY
@zachreinert03
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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@zachreinert03
@QwertyJones3
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
@DanMentos
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
@byrdie_num_num
It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
@Home_Halfway
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
@SirEviscerate
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
@HomeProbably
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
@AllyBallyBeal
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
@SondraDeeMe
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
@LeahTiscione
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever