therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.