@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

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@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@rmfnord

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

@AlisWay

ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@wendchymes

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now