New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
– traveling zombies
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC