Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.