Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I put the hot in psychotic.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Oh thanks BBC.