Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.