Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
In Canada they just call them geese
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.