Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.