Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

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The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.


90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.


Me: I’m really at the end of my rope



officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior


ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok


Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?


Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.


Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.