“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
You Might Also Like
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans