@Glennot73

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

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@hellosarawren

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

@peprally

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

@3sunzzz

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@crocodilethumbs

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

@HenpeckedHal

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

@XplodingUnicorn

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

@yobrah_

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.