therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

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“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician


in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental


My friend’s organising a football match and asked if I’d like to make up the numbers. I suggested squix hundring and nankety noof.


I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.


I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.


I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.


Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.


This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.


May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans