@Darlainky
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
@IndecisiveJones
therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started
me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor
therapist: wait, what
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@Darlainky
@3sunzzz
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
@jake_likes_naps
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
@jonnysun
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
@evidentlyblonde
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
@BackrowSeats
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.
@theabstractass
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
@petemandik
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
@hellohappy_time
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
@C00LpenNAME
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops