Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Practicing safe sax
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.