@IndecisiveJones

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what

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@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@jake_likes_naps

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

@jonnysun

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

@evidentlyblonde

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

@BackrowSeats

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want. You’ll still have herpes.

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@hellohappy_time

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops