THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
You Might Also Like
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
WHO DID THIS?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.