Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
You Might Also Like
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
GOD: a rat dog
GOD: that whispers to white people
GOD: about the weather
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.
HER: so what did you want to talk about?
ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*
Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*