[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

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Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.


Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*


Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.



GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather



Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.


HER: so what did you want to talk about?

ME [not good at breaking up with people]: do you want to get married?


Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.


Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*