therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
It’s an epidemic…