Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast