therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work