THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Can’t, holding a grudge
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”