You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Me: But Aenid you
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes?
Me: I’m flattered you think I’m a model but I’ll just look at the regular homes
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?