@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

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@tastefactory

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

@briangaar

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

@slimmy_shady

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

@NotthatAdamWest

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.

@mrjohndarby

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that