THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
You Might Also Like
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Rather alarming headline…
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.