THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.