Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You Might Also Like
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.