Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
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a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!