Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


“Have a nice day” is a bit pushy. I prefer “Have a decent enough day to not punch someone”


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.


Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.


It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.


#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!


Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday


You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF


At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017