@thedad

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

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@omgthatspunny

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

@berikerimeri

“Have a nice day” is a bit pushy. I prefer “Have a decent enough day to not punch someone”

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

@mellimelle

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

@BeckyKillinit

#IMustBeOldBecause I’m starting to give real world answers on my math test!

@SincerelyTumblr

Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.

Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday

@idigcrazychics

You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink.

-subtweet to my GF

@Michael1979

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017