Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
the greatest twitter interaction
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.