Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.