@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

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@BenjaminJS

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

@t0m_t0m

“You’re like a brother to me”

First of all, I’m a Lannister

@GrantTanaka

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@SlickestOfRicks

“Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down.” – the guy that invented the pen

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@thatdutchperson

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?