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@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@kv8

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

@ceejoyner

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

@AngelaEhh

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@JillianKarger

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

@jwoodham

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.