[Calls an ex]
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.