*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
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My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Nice try, poison.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave