@SvnSxty

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

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@mommywhitfield

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@ObscureGent

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

@Timothygriff317

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@OrdinaryAlso

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.