@SvnSxty

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

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@MomofTeen

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

@JermHimselfish

Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@ShootyDoody

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

@liv_mckenzie_

I donโ€™t understand how planes work and Iโ€™m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesnโ€™t make sense and drop out of the sky ๐Ÿ™

@RickAaron

A lot of people are shocked to learn that Iโ€™m still single. Especially my wife.

@lovemydogduck

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies