Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

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I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.


Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently


[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector


at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”


New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.


I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.


Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*


pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate


“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.