I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.