@MomofTeen
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
@SvnSxty
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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@MomofTeen
@causticbob
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
@TheMichaelRock
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
@WilliamAder
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
@JermHimselfish
Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.
@HollyHeals
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
@ShootyDoody
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
@liv_mckenzie_
I donโt understand how planes work and Iโm scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesnโt make sense and drop out of the sky ๐
@RickAaron
A lot of people are shocked to learn that Iโm still single. Especially my wife.
@lovemydogduck
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies