Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

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I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.


On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.


I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.


I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.


Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.


I donโ€™t understand how planes work and Iโ€™m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesnโ€™t make sense and drop out of the sky ๐Ÿ™


A lot of people are shocked to learn that Iโ€™m still single. Especially my wife.


My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies