Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together