groan^2
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Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Yep.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!