THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.