Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Sharon, call the vet
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*