5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
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My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Favourite diary entry ever
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Love it! 👍😂
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?