@Dustinkcouch

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

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@laurenmacdonald

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

@dmc1138

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

@TheDinky

If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@BillMc7

I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.

@thepunningman

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

@ashmensch

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.