therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I see your point. You’re right. My timing could have been much better. I’m sorry I proposed to you at your father’s funeral.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.
*drops the mic walks away*
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.